How To Crush Mom-Guilt: So That You Can Build Your Dream Business

Dec 2

We’re all at different stages in this journey, but the more we know, the more we can help ourselves. With this in mind, let’s take a look at some practical tips for eliminating mom guilt once and for all, freeing up your time, energy, and resources –and allowing you to carve out time to start building that dream business of yours.

As moms, if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s feeling guilty –all the damn time.

Mom guilt is something that almost feels innate. Like it’s built-in. It often sets in moments after you arrive home from the hospital with your little one. Perhaps in some ways, it’s inevitable. The transition into parenthood is sudden and shocking. Suddenly, there’s the feeling of tremendous responsibility that comes when you have a tiny human that you’re suddenly responsible for –and it’s an entirely alien concept. It’s not like we’ve been training for this moment our entire lives, suddenly, it just is. The weight of this responsibility can be crushing. (Read my own story here).

Sadly, this guilt doesn’t always fade on its own. Add to the mix the confliction of being pulled in about ten different directions at any given moment, and suddenly –that guilt compounds; especially if you hope to have a life outside of parenting and are planning on starting your own small business or looking to scale your company. Then, instead of just feeling pressure to be a good mom, we feel guilt for wanting to work, guilt for not working hard enough, guilt for being too ambitious, guilt for being too complacent, guilt for spending too much time with our children, or not nearly enough.

In her book Forget Having It All, author Amy Westervelt sums up the impossible situation that working moms face: “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.”

No wonder women feel guilty. We really cannot win –at least not if we’re holding ourselves to these impossible standards.

In the end, we have a perfect recipe for burnout.

The good news, though, is that you don’t have to subscribe to these standards. They do not define you or determine your value in any way. By and large, most of the things that you feel are expected of you are not just off base, they’re entirely fictional. Irrelevant to you and your family. Listen, you’re not obligated to implement anything that anyone tells you: not society, not your family, not well-meaning strangers. You do not owe it to them in any way.

But while the triggers often come from others, the ultimate reason that we feel so guilty is because we’re allowing ourselves to feel that way.

It’s almost as though demonstrating this emotion validates your decision to do the thing you chose to do over what you feel is expected of you. But don’t validate the guilt by buying into it in any way. Remember, it’s entirely baseless, so there’s no need to justify your decisions. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. So check it at the door.

Now, let’s add some perspective here. True, if you’re regularly neglecting your children; like letting them call Ubers for themselves or play with sharp knives, then yes, you may have some reason for that guilt. But if you’re a normal, caring parent, then I’m certain that this guilt you’re feeling is completely unfounded.

Your priority is to keep your kids safe and fed. Even if you make it through some days where this is the only thing that happened? Then let me assure you, you’re still doing just fine.

Eliminate Judgment

“Judgment from others can leave us feeling guilty and ashamed for wanting more or something different.” –Jackie Serviss, People Strategy Expert

Of course, strangers (and well-meaning friends and family) can hand out judgment (or well-intentioned suggestions) all day long. But at the end of the day, it’s up to determine which ones we’ll accept –and internalize.

Here’s the thing though: DON’T LISTEN TO OTHERS. Others have this insatiable need to tell you how to do parenting –or run a business according to how their parents did it, or according to the successful family down the road, or according to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Listen, no one knows you –or your kid, like you do. So even the most well-intended advice can fall short. When your friend insists that you transition your six-month-old onto solid foods, or your aunt tries to guilt-trip you into signing up for a parenting course, block that noise out. The last thing you need is someone else, who’s uninformed, calling the shots. Let someone else get behind the wheel and they could very well drive your sanity around the bend. Don’t take that risk. For those who are especially persistent, even after you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested, a simple, “Thank you for your concern, but this is what we’ve chosen to do,” should suffice. Then leave it at that.

Watch Out For ‘I should’

“We had to cut down on commitments and activities and only do what we really want to do and forget about the should.” –Sylvie Roy, Founder, Eclair Lips

Here’s an interesting tidbit: any time you find yourself talking about things you “should” be doing, watch out.

It’s that little buzz word “should” that you’ll want to look out for. When this comes up in your internal dialogue or in conversation, you can know that you’re not operating from a good place. “Should” indicates that you’re inadequate; like you’re not measuring up in some way.

Stop comparing yourself to others. So what if your tot is still in Pull-Ups even though your neighbor’s son, Billy, managed to potty train at 6 1/2 months. Does it really matter? Either way, neither of them are going off to college in diapers, so let it happen when it will. It’s unlikely that Billy will put “early potty-trainer” on his resume in the future anyway.

Focus on what really matters. What matters to you and is best for your family. Don’t let yourself get distracted so that you end up managing other people’s expectations of you, or what you feel other people expect from you. You know what’s best for you and your family, so go with your gut.

Enlist Your Family To Help

“Don’t do it alone.” -Trivinia Barber, Founder of PriorityVA

You’re doing great. But you don’t have to do it alone. Especially if you’re raising kids AND planning to launch your own business.

Be clear with your partner and your kids, if they’re old enough, about what you need from them when it comes to helping around the house. I always say that we have responsibilities, rather than chores –it takes the burden off of you, and teaches your kids valuable life skills at the same time.

You may not be able to make it to every single game or dance lesson, but have an honest and heartfelt conversation with them about this. If your work is important, then they should understand why you can’t always be there. You can make up for it another day with extra ice cream or staying up late to play a quick game with them.

Communication is absolutely key here. You’ll need to define boundaries and ensure that everyone’s on the same page. What do you need and want from your family? How can you shift things so that everyone’s expectations are met? If you feel guilty for working on your business every night and are only half tuned into your kids, what can they do for you to help? Likewise, look to outsource in your company. How can your team take over tasks so that you gain more quality time back?

Make family time a priority as well, and give yourself time to decompress. Make sure your family knows that you’re all in it together. Look for solutions that you can implement together to keep everyone on the same page.

Get Some Outside Help

Next up, it’s time to start outsourcing daily tasks (and not just talking about it!). If the dishes are stacking up and the laundry’s still there after two weeks, think about how much relief you’d get by hiring someone to take care of this for you. “But it costs money,” you might say. Yeah no sh*t, but if you’re chronically stressed, that’s super unhealthy for you physically and emotionally and the worst part is that your negative energy gets absorbed by your little ones (and partner!) then all of a sudden everyone’s upset.

Start by writing out a list of exactly what you need done on a weekly basis. Then do the whole circuit yourself. Create the systems, find out how long it takes, and write it all out. Then hire a local cleaning lady for $25/hr and get her on board. Manage your house team like your business team and you will gain more quality time back.

Set Boundaries and Expectations

“Healthy boundaries are those boundaries that are set to make sure mentally and emotionally you are stable.” –Prism Health North Texas

Next up, it’s so important to establish boundaries. Whether you have young children or are trying to scale a business –or both! We say “no,” to some things, so we can say “yes” to the things that matter more. This ethos is something that we have to live by if we want to have any freedom at all. Otherwise, you’ll find that other people –and let’s face it, life in general, will continually crowd in. Before you know it, you’ll be left with no time for yourself or your family.

So set parameters around your work and family life. If you have the expectation that you’ll work Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Friday nights are for family time –then keep to it! Don’t let someone else’s crazy idea of what you should be doing stop you from carving out that time for yourself.

Speaking of overloaded schedules –stop feeling like you have to pack everything in! When I was younger, my parents had my sister and I signed up for tons of stuff –but not all at once. So we’d do one sport per season –like soccer, or volleyball, or dance, but never at the same time. This meant we had family dinners together at least five days each week and tons of 1-1 time. It worked for us.

Banishing Guilt Once and For All

Guilt is something that will follow us around everywhere. So it’s important to be able to really get to the bottom of it so we can root it out and banish it once those feelings start creeping up.

When it comes to starting up a business and managing a family, guilt is the last thing that you need holding you back. It’s important to be able to identify, decipher, and diminish what makes us feel guilty.

Identify: Pinpoint the trigger: who, what, when, and how something or someone makes you feel guilty.

Decipher: Next up, ask yourself why did that person’s opinion matter to me? Typically it’s one of two things: 1) You want to live up to that person’s expectations and make them proud. Oftentimes it’s the guilt that arises when we parent in a way that goes against the way you were raised or the opinion from someone you respect/admire. Or, 2) You already feel inadequate as a parent and entrepreneur and you compare yourself to others.

Diminish: Once you’ve pinpointed the triggers, you can take some time to work through them: either with a therapist or by yourself. Journaling can help as well, so can listening to some incredible podcasts, like Mom is In Control, Startup Parent, Zenfounder, and Lifestyle Builders. The goal is to get into the frame of mind where other people’s thoughts and opinions genuinely start to matter less to you, and you’ll be able to parent and grow your business from a healthy place, rather than constantly subjecting yourself to someone else’s definition of success.

Ultimately, you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to pursue your career, your online business, or whatever it is that makes you come alive. And you shouldn’t feel a shred of guilt for doing it on your own terms, pursuing what you know, deep down, is best for you and your family. You need to ease into what makes you come alive, find your passion, and then –just do it. Will it require sacrifices? Sure, but all the best things do. At the end of the day, your family will thank you. When you’re at your best, and shining your brightest, they’ll be happy too.

One more thing: there’s no room for guilt when you’re in your element, creating your best life, and doing it with the ones you love. So let go of those unreasonable expectations and instead focus on doing what you know is best for you.

It’s time to start living again.

Do you struggle with mom guilt? How do you banish it when you’re feeling overwhelmed?

Header image credit: Ketut Subiyanto